"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just hungover." Dan sees the look on Aster's face and wishes he could rewind time to, if not last night, at least a few minutes ago. The expression on Aster's face is one of such horror and sadness that Dan feels so ashamed at having caused it, especially with just a snarky comment. "I wasn't thinking when I said it."

It's a lie. Dan thinks about it all the time. He considers that poisoning himself to death isn't the worst way he could go, that ever since Ellie was taken away from him his life has felt like treading water and he isn't sure anymore why he doesn't let himself drown. The days feel aimless, the suffering pointless, like he's putting himself through something for what? For moments when he finds a soft place to land and manages to be unhappy and stressed out and anxious and heartbroken anyway?