And yes, Jennifer is very prone to guilt. Sometimes she traps herself in the circles spinned by her own mind. It's the way she constantly tries to see where everyone is coming from. The more problematic and dangerous the individual, the more she has to understand. It wouldn't be smart not to understand, right? But understanding behaviours is not the same thing as being able to prevent them, and that's where she tends to fail.
To let herself off the hook a bit she likes to think that there some degree for which it's right that she's not capable of fixing others, because they deserve to be the main force behind overcoming any issue, it's intimate, it's a matter of honour, but still. How much is this true? What amount, what proportion? She's never been the type to be technical or precise, but she wishes she could have a helpful map with little numbers. Or a recipe with ingredient dosages, like a cake. Mmm, she could use some cake.
"You are very wise, mr Sagittarius." she then compliments Dan. He's right, guilt really isn't a useful emotion. It disrupts so much. Is it guilt that manifests Brown being here with her? Just to remind her to be strong because when she is weak her friends die? Or is it really just her cherishing his memory? These both feel like very true explanations, but knowing which one outweighs the other makes a huge difference for sure, and she doesn't feel like she does.
"But I think you should be careful with it. When you try too hard to learn from your regrets, love starts feeling like a burden, you lose sight of comfort, and the hot cup of tea that used to make your day better becomes just an empty ritual that doesn't work anymore."
She bites her lip. Is she really in the position to make this speech? Probably not, but she has to brave through it just a little bit, if only because Dan deserves to hear her message. Well, her reminder, her life experience was always contained and sheltered, so how much can she really know about life? How much can she teach to a man who is older and has seen it all? Of course she's self conscious, but if anything concentrating all of this in one sitting means they can move on from it quickly if necessary, without the awkwardness of coming back to it later and deciding whether it's appropriate to do so. If this has to be inappropriate, it will be in a single drawn out moment, and then she will apologize and adjust her behaviour accordingly.
"...And then you start spiralling, because maybe it's better like this, to be hypervigilant and in pain just to make sure that when it's time to step up you will do it, because sometimes pain is the only way to keep alive things that shouldn't be gone in the first place. Moving on feels like betrayal...Towards the truth, towards loved ones, towards anything you are mourning. It feels like you love them less because you are leaving them behind and like you are siding with whatever took them away, but you know that it's not true."
Damn, this really is going too far, Dan didn't ask for none of it. Nobody wants to be lectured on perception by a girl that talks to inanimate objects!
"I still struggle with it, sometimes...And I wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less on you. You deserve to be indulgent with yourself. Actually indulgent, not just eating sweets or smoking cigarettes only to internalise that it's unhealthy. You need kindness as much as everyone else does."
no subject
And yes, Jennifer is very prone to guilt. Sometimes she traps herself in the circles spinned by her own mind. It's the way she constantly tries to see where everyone is coming from. The more problematic and dangerous the individual, the more she has to understand. It wouldn't be smart not to understand, right? But understanding behaviours is not the same thing as being able to prevent them, and that's where she tends to fail.
To let herself off the hook a bit she likes to think that there some degree for which it's right that she's not capable of fixing others, because they deserve to be the main force behind overcoming any issue, it's intimate, it's a matter of honour, but still. How much is this true? What amount, what proportion? She's never been the type to be technical or precise, but she wishes she could have a helpful map with little numbers. Or a recipe with ingredient dosages, like a cake. Mmm, she could use some cake.
"You are very wise, mr Sagittarius." she then compliments Dan. He's right, guilt really isn't a useful emotion. It disrupts so much. Is it guilt that manifests Brown being here with her? Just to remind her to be strong because when she is weak her friends die? Or is it really just her cherishing his memory? These both feel like very true explanations, but knowing which one outweighs the other makes a huge difference for sure, and she doesn't feel like she does.
"But I think you should be careful with it. When you try too hard to learn from your regrets, love starts feeling like a burden, you lose sight of comfort, and the hot cup of tea that used to make your day better becomes just an empty ritual that doesn't work anymore."
She bites her lip. Is she really in the position to make this speech? Probably not, but she has to brave through it just a little bit, if only because Dan deserves to hear her message. Well, her reminder, her life experience was always contained and sheltered, so how much can she really know about life? How much can she teach to a man who is older and has seen it all? Of course she's self conscious, but if anything concentrating all of this in one sitting means they can move on from it quickly if necessary, without the awkwardness of coming back to it later and deciding whether it's appropriate to do so. If this has to be inappropriate, it will be in a single drawn out moment, and then she will apologize and adjust her behaviour accordingly.
"...And then you start spiralling, because maybe it's better like this, to be hypervigilant and in pain just to make sure that when it's time to step up you will do it, because sometimes pain is the only way to keep alive things that shouldn't be gone in the first place. Moving on feels like betrayal...Towards the truth, towards loved ones, towards anything you are mourning. It feels like you love them less because you are leaving them behind and like you are siding with whatever took them away, but you know that it's not true."
Damn, this really is going too far, Dan didn't ask for none of it. Nobody wants to be lectured on perception by a girl that talks to inanimate objects!
"I still struggle with it, sometimes...And I wouldn't wish that on anyone, much less on you. You deserve to be indulgent with yourself. Actually indulgent, not just eating sweets or smoking cigarettes only to internalise that it's unhealthy. You need kindness as much as everyone else does."