I Had Nothing to Say on Christmas Day When You Threw All Your Clothes in the Snow [Closed]

[hallelujahjunction]

Who: Dan and Miguel
What: Miguel finds out something concerning about Dan.
Where: The workshop.
When: After Christmas.
Warnings/Notes: Dan's crazy politics in the forefront; probable references to dead kids and substance abuse.

Miguel did, in fact, get a sky-blue and white puzzle box for Christmas, wrapped with corresponding paper and left outside his door on the morning of the holiday itself. The locking mechanism is different than the one he observed Dan making. Dan has, as the march of time has inevitably drawn him closer to the time of year he struggles with the most, been doing everything he can to stay busy, and that means each box has been individualized and has been a grounds for experimentation. Such intensive work brought Dan right up to Christmas Eve making and wrapping gifts, which was perfect; in stressing about getting boxes in hands, he didn't have much time for gloominess or panic or working himself up in hypotheticals about how everything's going to go wrong somehow.

But now the holiday's over, and aside from New Year's Eve, there isn't anything to distract him. He's taken back to chewing on his hands, and after he accidentally bites hard enough on one of his fingers to leave a blue moon-shaped bruise under his nail, he decides to do something about it.

He's noticed, of course, that there are some people here at the Pole who don't fit into standard-sized clothing, and that that limits their options for warm clothing. The myth powers may buffer people a little bit, but Dan's seen enough people have their powers dampened or switched up on them to think it's wise to entirely eschew a wardrobe of layers. And he's been intending to talk to Miguel ever since he somewhat rudely ignored the hell out of that last attempt Miguel made to rally the new myths into organizing.

After having asked around and gotten a sense of when Miguel might be available - when Dan won't be interrupting some important Work, which he knows is important to Miguel - Dan knocks on Miguel's bedroom door with a messenger's bag over his shoulder.

Comments

[ninjavampire]

"If that's all they said, then they were an idiot." he almost spits out the words, allowing a little cruelty to fly over to another target other than Dan.

He didn't want to do this. Miguel didn't want to be in the position again of needing to explain why someone shouldn't have saved the ones they love. The tragedy had to happen, because the alternative would end up in them dying anyway. It doesn't occur to him that this might be an example of the opposite being possible. He had seen the catastrophe born of being selfish like this, and nothing was worth risking that again, in his eyes.

Dan's quick breaths ring in his ears, and he reminds himself to exhale and not let the poison build. Outside his suit, he lacked the sharp blades and lines that added more menace to his appearance. More evident danger. A coat was a softer thing, but he was still quite tall and broad, and he was standing very, very still.

"What do you think happens when you start taking scissors to spacetime, the fabric of your reality?"

He didn't want to retread his own memory again, he's certain he wouldn't be able to remain calm, so he goes for the metaphor. The tranquil maroons of his eyes had brightened to an upset, imperious red when his head darts to glance at Dan at his fair distance.

"If you're lucky, it's just a hole that frays at the edges - fixable with the right tools which you don't have. Maybe you hit a seam, and rupture something fundamental that's impossible to repair."

And he turns to face him.

"Or maybe the fabric is less stable then you thought, and all the threads unravel before you even realize it. And once the cascade begins, it can never be reversed. Am I making the point clear enough?"

[hallelujahjunction]

Dan, always so aware of body language, doesn't miss that he's emphasized the physical power difference between them by crouching down to get the brush. He doesn't take Miguel's anger personally. Hurt at Miguel's response can't really penetrate through the horror that's overwhelmed him, that settles into him like a dark choking fog.

"I didn't know. I wouldn't have risked- I would have-" He would have let his family die a second time. That sentiment sits heavy and cold in his throat, but it's true, and what's more, it feels like a truth, like he's already let his family die, like they're still dead, like to save them was a good dream he has to wake up from. Like he knew all along that he never saved them and this is just some sort of confirmation, like it's a spell he's speaking into life. "I didn't know."

Part of him is trying to absolve himself to Miguel, to demonstrate that he's just an uneducated rube who barely understands that oil and water don't mix, much less temporal physics; part of him is trying to absolve himself of this crushing weight, internally, of the fact that he could have hurt so many people so lethally and permanently that no one would have ever been the wiser, that his penchant for taking risks spread like blood from a body and stained his whole universe. It's one thing for him to risk his own well-being. He does that casually, unthinkingly. It's another to drag others, unwitting and unwilling, into it.

Around them, the reindeer seem agitated, picking up on the distress and anger in the stables. They snort and wag their heads to clack their antlers against the stall doors, disturbing the hay on the ground with their hooves.

"No one got hurt. It's been years and that world ain't gone nowhere." But Dan doesn't know if that makes a difference, if maybe he's just created a time bomb in his world. "It can't- it can't have a delayed reaction, can it?"

[ninjavampire]

"It can."

He didn't have enough information to give a definitive yes or no. He sees Dan crouched, shrunken, but he only glowers on down unsympathetically. The hawkish glare makes it particularly scathing. On any other topic of conversation, he'd want to offer a hand. Try to turn this into a conversation rather than a lecture. But Miguel wasn't interested in an equal interplay here. He wanted the words to land proper, and it looks like the severity of the situation was sinking in. Good. He should feel bad about this.

"You gambled the stability of this universe because you couldn't swallow your own losses. Whatever damage inflicted because of that is already done."

It wasn't fair, not really. Dan wasn't an individual with an Important Destiny interlocking with some grander network outside his own world. There was no way he could know. He was just some sod tempted by an offer too good to pass up. Still, excuses were of no interest to Miguel. And somewhere along the line, it may become obvious it's because he fell for the exact same thing.

He crosses his arms and keeps his distance, shooting a look at one of rustled animals that won't stop scraping antlers on wood in an irritating way. It... doesn't help. It's like he's closed himself off behind the crenulations of an unreachably high tower, sharp projectiles pointed in all directions.

[hallelujahjunction]

Dan looks, and is, heartbroken. This event in his life that felt like such a victory - a qualified victory, a clumsy victory, but such a victory nonetheless, a righting of such a personal and painful wrong - now feels like it's been ripped away and replaced by a sword of Damocles resting over his world.

"How can we know? How can we find out if everything's alright over there?" Miguel has all sorts of technology and knowledge of this that Dan can't even wrap his head around, and there are other brilliant technology whizzes in the Pole. Surely someone can find a way to check.

That's when it starts to click for Dan why this is Miguel's response, and somehow empathy finds a crack in Dan's shell of horror and shame. Dan can't ignore the sense of sadness for Miguel, who must think he's looking at a reprise to his own losses, and he knows there's no winning for Miguel here. Either a universe dies, or a universe was saved and Miguel's loved ones weren't a part of it. Relief is the best Miguel can hope for, and relief is far short of happiness.

Dan gets to his feet and goes over to the noisiest reindeer, gently shushing her and petting her until she settles.

[ninjavampire]

"We? There's no we involved in fixing this."

He throws his hands up in exasperation, the joyless chuff sharpened by scorn and a glint of sharp teeth. He's not expecting anything helpful from Dan in this regard.

"If I had my usual equipment, I could check on the mess now and assess the damage. Unfortunately for both of us, I'm stranded here."

He's fuming. Not a single day passes before someone else knocks over the proverbial glassware all over the floor. Again. And to top that off, Dan wanted the help while caught up in his own unproductive hangups. It was infuriating and crushingly lonely to feel like he couldn't rely on anyone he might consider a friend. And despite his anger with Dan, his status in this regard hadn't changed.

"Until then, you will just have to sit and wait."

Miguel paces forward restlessly, full of frustrated energy and no way to expend it properly. He was in no state of mind to be patient with Concrete Blonde or any of the reindeer, and at least recognizes that enough to keep away. Light warbles at his fingertips and collar as the suit materializes beneath his clothes. It had appeared with barely a thought.

A red tether jumps from the top of his wrist to crack open the door and provide him with a sliver of cold, fresh draft. He seemed to prefer standing there in the icy breeze to the stuffy, hay-strewn air of the stables. He probably won't be there for long.

[hallelujahjunction]

Dan stops himself short of asking what he can do, except Miguel's sit and wait is so definitive. To ask for more guidance seems like it would be interpreted as an ungrateful, ignorant demand. But how is he supposed to sit and wait when Miguel's telling him he might have doomed billions, and that he has no idea when they'll be able to confirm?

If it's been okay for years, it'll be okay for now. It'll be okay until we can check on it.

It might be self-serving to convince himself of that, but it wouldn't be productive to catastrophize. Falling apart right now wouldn't do anything to undo the damage Dan might have caused, and it strikes him as a bitter irony that he apparently held so much worse destructive, world-ending power than he could ever imagine without realizing it and yet, now, is entirely helpless to do anything about it.

"I'll leave you be," Dan says, stepping into one of the stalls to settle another reindeer. He's figuring there's nothing he can do that won't just make Miguel more upset, and it's been established there's nothing he can do about the tragic situation, so the only thing he can do at all is tend the livestock.

And he needs space. He needs a moment to process all of this without also having to worry about Miguel's rage and hurt.

[ninjavampire]

Dan wasn't the only one who needed space. There are worse ways that this conversation could have gone. Much worse. But it still was a sensitive subject that weighed heavily on him, and Miguel had run out of whatever patience he had built up for Dan in the moment. He didn't want to see his face for a while.

So he disappears out the door in a blink, silent and quick despite his size. The door creaks shut on its own, tugged by an unseen web from the other side. Despite the display of rage, the gesture was measured enough to only disturb some dust and snow. Appropriately spiderlike, perhaps. Either way - just like that, he was gone.