nightlogs | Will these two finally manage to have THAT conversation?

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Will these two finally manage to have THAT conversation?

Who: Aiden Price, Dan Sagittarius
What: Price brings Concrete Blonde to Dan and they have a heartfelt discussion about imprisonment
Where: Outdoors
When: After Branch
Warnings/Notes: Prison related topics, Typical Dan related warnings, typical Price related warnings, overall toxic behaviours

Price was going for a walk on his own, figuring that alone meant staying out of trouble - which is not a smart deduction in an unknown place, but nobody tell him, he's just starting to think that maybe the brain damage didn't make him completely useless -, and he happens to run into a pleasant surprise: Concrete Blonde.

He likes to spend time with her, feeding her, and cuddling her. He was about to give her a bath but he remembers reading on the subject while in the Wilderlands library and concludes that it's not the case to do so, especially in these cold temperatures. See? He does go out of his way to ~~serve~~ help, it happens very often! Absolutely appalling that nobody will listen to reason when he calmly - accommodatingly, even! - explains that nothing is his fault ever.

That's why he decided to start refraining from conversations as much as he can. It does pain him because, for all those accusations of being 'antisocial', he really likes people in his own way. Dan, however? He is not like most people. There's something deeply wrong about whatever their friendship is, and Price can't put his finger on it. He feels safest when he avoids him, and yet he needs him. There are so many thoughts and feelings that he has on the matter, but he doesn't feel like being gaslighted about them so, he tells himself, he'll just bring the horse back and then leave Dan alone to his devices.

"I found your horse."

Technically it's their horse, but better not to claim her to make this less difficult. He won't say anything more than what is strictly needed.

"I figured you would want her back."

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"You'll know if you do it wrong, which is why I ain't going to put you in a position to do it wrong. I'll be wanting you to watch me do this about forty times before you try your hand at it. I can do a few of the reindeer each day as a demonstration. They need it too." Dan's noticed that due to the snow, the reindeer need to be re-shoed fairly frequently. The snow packs in and then it rusts the nails on the shoe.

It gives him and Price an opportunity to spend time together working towards a goal, instead of just circling each other like two prey animals unsure if the other's a predator.

He looks up at Price and grins. "I'll make a farrier of you yet."

"Of course."

He doesn't feel confident but he's willing to try. Price has always been the curious type. To a fault, perhaps. Curiosity is such an easy angle to corrupt someone, his fascination with possibility paired with a generous dose of repressed rage lead him down questionable roads, but he feels more questionable now than ever.

A farrier? Him? Right...If the Director could see him right now he would barely recognize him. That's why it's good that neither him nor the agents are here. There has to be something missing, some variable that Price didn't take into account back in the day. If he had, the Director would have cared enough to keep him by his side even in the worst case scenario. Not that the worst case scenario would have happened, they really would have served their purpose as the silver bullet to win the war. There would have been no prison, no desperate attempts, no missteps on the Rig, no brain damage in the Wilderlands.

Inevitably, he gets sad. He knows that if he were to ask out loud the questions that plague him they would not be received well, so he asks them in another way: reluctantly, he hugs Dan from behind and rests his head on his shoulder. If Dan lied about the powers, he understands, and can at least express what probably, he acknowledges, looks like a very childish, raw, underdeveloped version of heartbreak.

Why couldn't he care about me? What did I do wrong that made me not good enough for him? What was I supposed to do? Didn't he know that he was everything to me and I would have done anything for him? Didn't he know that I would have been useful, that I would have helped him, if only he allowed me to be by his side? Why couldn't we run away together? Why didn't he come back for me? Why did he leave me to die?

Those are the question buzzing through Price's mind. Would they be there if his plans somehow were not ruined without the Director? No, of course not, but that is not what happened. He hates the man. If they weren't so compatible and perfect to rule together forever, he would wish to kill him with his own bare hands. He would deserve it.

If Dan were just idling around, he probably would leap a foot in the air to be touched unexpectedly from behind. Decades of hunting ghosts and monsters have made him hypervigilant, which has gotten all the worse now that he doesn't hear well in one ear. It isn't even out of any sort of intentional self-preservation; it's just some instinct, something in his lizard brain, that's been so conditioned by threats that he responds to being startled by reaching for his gun.

But he no longer lets his guard down around Price, so he sees the hug coming, and he relaxes into it, only shifting slightly on the stool to make sure they're out of the way in case Concrete Blonde gets spooked and kicks behind her. He gives Price's wrist a squeeze he hopes is reassuring.

Price hasn't let his guard down around Dan since...Ever, he likes to think. He does still resent what happened at the river when it comes to his mind, especially Bunny telling him to walk it off (the thing that's most enraging is that Bunny is supposed to help kids, does he tell them to walk it off when they say they perceive an abusive behaviour by someone who lured them by being the only nice person to them? No wonder kids don't believe in him, he can keep the chocolate eggs) , but he also understands that there is no use in getting mad at it.

If Dan chose him to be his toy for self harm purposes then that's what his use is, it's not like he can defend himself from that disrespect without it biting him in the ass, too many people see him as someone you can be near only if you want to hurt yourself anyway. It's not that he's no longer capable of lying and scheming, but he already has enough of a constant headache.

He tightens the hug for a moment. Maybe not thinking about the future is a way to avoid a worse headache. What lies would he have to keep up with to create a home for himself? He likes helping, and doing chores, and providing services, but if that was enough he would have already had proof of it on the Rig. He will keep doing all those things to make himself less disposable, less worth killing, but other than that it's going to be mostly unnoticed effort. Does Dan really think that there is a place for him somewhere - like Aziraphale's library, for example? He seems so convinced, but then again, Dan is a good liar.

Price supposes that if Dan doesn't have his friends give him shit for it, he can be his toy. Also, he hopes that whatever percentage of their friendship which is genuinely kind, he can keep it up too. He really is proud of Dan for coming so far, so if he doesn't have to be his poison maybe he can give him his nurturing too...

"Oh, I'm sorry." he lets go "I did not mean to distract you. Go ahead."

And with that, he steps back to where he was to absorb the knowledge carefully.

"Don't never got to apologize for showing me affection," Dan says, settling back into scraping away Concrete Blonde's accumulated gunk.

He realizes at this moment that he's started mentally categorizing Price into the same place he's been slotting so many other people at the Pole, the ones who's worked their way into his heart, the list that's already gotten so much longer than he's comfortable with. For as much as Price has been a project and a tool to Dan in the past, Dan does care for him, deeply.

He thinks that's what makes Price's self-sabotage hurt. It isn't the threat to Dan's life or safety. It's just the tragedy of seeing someone he cares about hurting and hurting himself, over and over, but Dan's seen the way Price has tried over and over again to make human connection. He sees the way Price has made gains in that regard.

"Alright, see, this area is where you aim for. And missing that ain't just a problem for the horse. You stab into her nerves and she'll thrash and kick you. And once you get all this clean..." Dan picks up a horseshoe. "These ain't standard size, so you got to mold them to fit her. I already took the time fitting these for her."

Price nods, looking at him with interest.

"When you come back home you could set up a class of some sort, where you can teach important manual tasks to all kinds of people."

He's not sure why he's suggesting it. Probably because he can see that this has a bit of a therapeutic effect on Dan.

"You could do it for short periods of time, to have the opportunity to travel the world."

If he should have a future, then Dan should too. There is so much he can give and so much he can do to improve anyone's quality of life. Price might be very different from him, but he can see him without judging him for being illiterate, or doing drugs, or committing crimes. Perhaps many people here can do it, but he likes to think - maybe out of conceit - he can extend a special type of kindness that can only come from him.

Dan grins. He likes where Price's mind is going with this. Even if Price can't yet see a future for himself, he can see one for Dan, and Dan thinks that's a step forward. He places the horseshoe on Concrete Blonde's foot, continuing the demonstration.

"Well, I can't go back home, but I don't like staying cooped up at the Warren either, so it would be nice to find some reason to get out there in the community when I'm too old to keep up with heroing." But Dan doesn't think he'll live that long. He truly hopes he doesn't. His heart will break in some deep, incurable way if his age and mortality keep him from being able to join Bunny in the field, from being able to work cases.

"You know, many people who are inclined to go on missions seem to have trouble accepting any struggle to...Keep up with heroing, to use your words. I worry about our teammates, sometimes."

Price might be the cowardly type but he's not meatheaded nor stupid.

"How do you mean? Folks burning themselves out, running straight into danger, that sort of thing?"

Dan lines up the horseshoe and gets the nails in place. "See these marks? That's where you're going to aim your nails at. You just hammer them in carefully."

"Yes. I feel they might overestimate their abilities to withstand the circumstances. Coping mechanisms should not go unexamined and carried over without a second thought. I know I have made the mistake of thinking that two similar looking environments would mostly work the same way," he is referring to Project Freelancer and the Rig "and I have been humbled in a way that left me alive to talk about it. They might not be so lucky."

Dan has known the reckless part of Price but as he's picking up the pieces of himself, he is rebuilding that caution that surprisingly made him the straight man to the Director's antics. When he was not enabling them, that is.

"Mm, so what are you thinking?" Dan starts to hammer. "That folks need to test out the limits of their myth powers before they go in the field? That ain't the worst idea ever."

It's also not exactly what Price is talking about, but Dan doesn't like his coping mechanisms called into question, and running into danger is one of them.

"While I am not sure on what would be the best method to do so, I believe that yes, it could be beneficial. A good dynamic between teammates is crucial to our overall success, however I can guarantee that the power of friendship is not a big enough counterbalance to deadly threats, except for a few...Very peculiar cases."

How do you even explain the Reds and Blues? The group did meet Tucker for a while, but Tucker was the most competent one, arguably the closest to a freelancer. That insane interview with Donut is burned into Price's mind still. It was fascinating, for sure.

"And I can guarantee, as someone who has witnessed such cases, that our group is way smarter than that."

"That sounds a little like you think we ought to get organized." Dan raises an eyebrow while he hammers into Concrete Blonde's foot - she remains unbothered, despite the fact that Dan knows she must pick up on his agitation at the topic. "You remember from last time I prefer the power of friendship to...whatever you mean in terms of fostering a good dynamic between each other."

"I don't mind getting organized. However, it doesn't have to go to such extent."

Price explains calmly, although he too is picking up on Dan's discomfort.

"To put it simply, it would be wise to be mindful of our own capabilities and our weaknesses. Sometimes that entails sitting it out without running into unnecessary risks. While I can perform surgery, I would be more comfortable knowing that we collectively decided against the probability, slim as it might be, that all our combat oriented people get incapacitated at once. Not to mention that some in our group have a very peculiar biology that I have to study secretly because they do not trust me enough with that information. In that case, we might need someone to help me with surgery...Especially since I am not at my most confident in my skills following my own injury. Which brings us once again to my point."

He still has his usual quiet monotone, but the content of his sentence suggests a certain frustration clearly enough. Also, anxiety. Did Price ever mention that brain damage comes with tons of anxiety? The fact that he was already a control freak before does not exactly help.

"Mm. I ain't against sharing information. I just ain't fond of organizing. You know that about me." Dan, satisfied with Concrete Blonde's shoeing on this foot, moves his stool to get to her front hoof, all the while positioning himself so that Price can see his work and continue learning.

"Are you thinking emergency surgery? Folks who don't want you nosing around with their physiology might not could be keen on letting you operate on them unless they're at death's door."

Dan doesn't want to highlight that a lot of people don't trust Price. He knows Price is aware of that. He wants to encourage Price to use his medical skill to help others, but privacy is such a loaded topic, and bodies are so personal. Bodies are sacred. Dan's had his used by others enough that he's aware of how scary that can be, and the idea of someone secretly studying his body doesn't necessarily upset him, but he can imagine it upsetting others deeply.

"I don't know, actually. Not to a full extent. I would prefer if you would elaborate on that, just to make sure to find the best solution."

Price doesn't want to be kept guessing, he doesn't even want to give himself room to make missteps.

"Well, yes, that would the plan. I do not understand what is the use of letting someone die. Everyone is useful, here."

Bodies are sacred and personal, in theory. In practice, some bodies are more sacred and personal than others. Price is surprisingly a great defender of the majority, for someone who has never ever been part of it. His docility is not as fake as it looks.

"Alright, well, I reckon maybe I have been a little too cagey about how I feel with organizing." After all, Price hasn't been the only one to misread Dan's intentions. "I don't like folks telling me what to do. I don't like feeling like if I don't jump when folks say to, something bad'll happen to me in return. I don't like punishment."

And to him, that's all organizing - and subsequent to that, governance - has ever been. Price has been incarcerated. Surely they can level on punishment being counterproductive. Surely they can level on it being painful without purpose.

"Folks got a right to the integrity of their bodies, even if they use that right to elect to die." Dan sighs. He knows that's an outlier opinion, too. "But I do reckon in the absence of consent, in a life or death situation, it'd be prudent to choose saving a life."

Huh. This is...Well, suspicious would not be the right word, but it really feels, from the way Dan is framing it, that he is referring to something that he is not mentioning out loud.

"I'm sorry, is this about something in particular that I am not aware of?"

None of the information exchange has to necessarily go against what Dan said.

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Will these two finally manage to have THAT conversation?

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[cw: allusions to sexual assault]

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