nightlogs | Will these two finally manage to have THAT conversation?

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Will these two finally manage to have THAT conversation?

Who: Aiden Price, Dan Sagittarius
What: Price brings Concrete Blonde to Dan and they have a heartfelt discussion about imprisonment
Where: Outdoors
When: After Branch
Warnings/Notes: Prison related topics, Typical Dan related warnings, typical Price related warnings, overall toxic behaviours

Price was going for a walk on his own, figuring that alone meant staying out of trouble - which is not a smart deduction in an unknown place, but nobody tell him, he's just starting to think that maybe the brain damage didn't make him completely useless -, and he happens to run into a pleasant surprise: Concrete Blonde.

He likes to spend time with her, feeding her, and cuddling her. He was about to give her a bath but he remembers reading on the subject while in the Wilderlands library and concludes that it's not the case to do so, especially in these cold temperatures. See? He does go out of his way to ~~serve~~ help, it happens very often! Absolutely appalling that nobody will listen to reason when he calmly - accommodatingly, even! - explains that nothing is his fault ever.

That's why he decided to start refraining from conversations as much as he can. It does pain him because, for all those accusations of being 'antisocial', he really likes people in his own way. Dan, however? He is not like most people. There's something deeply wrong about whatever their friendship is, and Price can't put his finger on it. He feels safest when he avoids him, and yet he needs him. There are so many thoughts and feelings that he has on the matter, but he doesn't feel like being gaslighted about them so, he tells himself, he'll just bring the horse back and then leave Dan alone to his devices.

"I found your horse."

Technically it's their horse, but better not to claim her to make this less difficult. He won't say anything more than what is strictly needed.

"I figured you would want her back."

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The fact that Price phrased his question like a pissed off kid that wants his favourite toy back likely did not go past Dan, and that's what makes his dynamic with the Director so much more layered and confusing.

"He's...He's the best." present tense as if he's not dead - out of sight, out of mind "I did well under his guidance."

He did! He really did! He was rigorous and disciplined and never made mistakes, not the mess that Dan knows.

"And it's good that he never saw the inside of a cell. He is too sensitive to withstand that treatment."

Price says it more to convince himself. If they were both imprisoned, the Director would have realized his mistakes and reward the loyalty and efficiency, he's sure of it. Life would have been more bearable. The truth however is that the Director left him behind and died without ever thinking of him again, because had always been too self absorbed to do so.

"I believe you." Dan believes Price did 'well' under the Director's guidance, in that Price felt valued and had a structure to adhere to and was, for whatever it was worth, happier in that situation than in the disorienting and stifling and frustrating social milieus they've found themselves in. He doesn't believe that the Director is the best but he also knows better than to get into that pointless argument.

"Lots of folks are. Like I said. I don't reckon incarceration improves behavior for many." He looks at Concrete Blonde and thinks of how often he has to run her to keep her from getting restless, how an hour a day outside a cell to play basketball and run around the cellblock isn't enough to keep even the most sluggardly humans from going stir-crazy. "It's too traumatic."

Price is not comfortable admitting that he's traumatized. For some reason, he's lost the right to claim it. Not that he feels that way, but the rules to survival say so. He limits himself to nodding, then sighs.

"I likely would not have been able to see him, either way."

His tone is no longer defensive. He's back to the standard lack of inflection, but it's obvious that he feels defeated because he's trying to rationalize the fact that he was alone when he was always by the Director's side. He doesn't understand: what did he do wrong for the Director not to value him enough to keep him around? He thought they were a good team. What happened? How come he couldn't trick the Director into caring about him? He was so precise and careful, he would have noticed if he made mistakes...

"He would have hurt himself in solitary confinement."

Which is what ended up happening anyway, given the Director took his own life.

"Maybe he would have might. Ain't like we'll ever know for sure, and thank goodness for that small mercy." Dan doesn't have any fondness for the Director, but he's happy any time he doesn't have to see someone in a jail cell, especially in solitary. "Last time I was in solitary I bit my hands so bad I saw bone."

It was unpleasant enough that it put Dan off his tic of chewing his fingers and knuckles for a few months, at least, but he always gravitates back towards it. When he can't smoke, can't do drugs, can't drink, can't run into the line of fire, all that anxiety goes straight to his scarred, bruised knuckles.

"For what it's worth, I don't reckon anyone's keen on starting up any prisons around here. At least for now we don't got to worry about it."

Oh, Price knows for sure. He has assisted the Director in...Questionable practices, already. He knows what the man is about, so no small mercy for him. Then again, here is an occasion to change topic, and he's grateful for it because he is feeling judged.

He side eyes Dan. Was it really that wrong to mention the Director? Why? Is the problem that one is allowed to only talk about the people that love them back? Then Price can't talk about anyone. Well, good to know. He won't mention the Director anymore. If Dan wants to actually understand how he feels he'll read between the lines, otherwise he won't and they will both move on.

And the mention about what Dan himself did in solitary confinement...Is it bait? Does Dan actually want to open up or is it just a way to make Price hurt him and then get away with orchestrating it because he is the good guy?

At least the Director was more straightforward about using Price as a tool of self harm. He never treated him like a friend or like a human being, but Dan did, and that's why it hurts. Does it even occur to Dan how disrespectful that is? Of course not, not to a full extent.

...But then if Price doesn't show compassion, or sympathy, or any acceptable response then he can be accused of not wanting to listen, even if when he does listen it's seen as a manipulation. Looks like he's cornered again, but no, he can't snap, he just has to think of something neutral to say. Change the subject smoothly, change the subject smoothly.

"I am glad for that. Branch seemed...Traumatized, and seeing that kind of practice applied to our fellow men would definitely not fill him with confidence."

Price has honestly only ever had a good time with non-humans so far: Aziraphale, Filbo, even Holly has had a pleasant conversation with him. Jennifer and Bunny are exceptions that confirm this rule. As for Dan...He feels like whatever he does, he is going to get hurt (and also get Dan hurt). Maybe Dan keeps him like a pet because he knows he's desperate for...Well, silly things. Trivial things that his best self, The Counselor Of Project Freelancer ™, would not have bothered looking for.

Dan's face doesn't betray anything about the Director. He isn't trying to rebuke Price. He isn't trying to reject anything Price is saying, doesn't want to fight, doesn't want to disagree - doesn't even particularly want to pass judgment on this man he only knows from Price's fawning stories and from a snippet of a memory.

He just doesn't want to keep feeding into it. If a non-response is all the same as a rejection, Dan can't help that.

"I agree. I reckon that dividing people up by good folks and bad folks is a bad idea in a pressure cooker like this." It isn't quite the same as being bound to each other in terms of location like the Wilderlands, but they do all still need to work together.

"What if a mission requires to take someone and keep them captive in order to get information? I would not exclude the possibility of that being a chosen course of action. Are you going to be alright if that happens?"

Price will be okay, of course, he tortures people and has them killed like it's nothing, but Dan is not like that, and is his friend. They are on the topic and Price likes listening, so he figures this would be an important question to ask.

"That's not my favorite way to get information, but if it were necessary-" Dan thinks that that word does a lot of the heavy lifting here. Dan doesn't think it would be necessary in almost any circumstance. He would argue with the others if they were to take a hostage, but could be persuaded if there were a very, very good reason.

"-if it's necessary, it's necessary. And I'll be alright. You do know I've killed people, right?" Dan isn't beyond last resorts.

"I know that you feel bad about it."

Come on now, Dan, you know what Price means.

"I am sure that we all agree that minimizing harm is the smartest way to proceed, but there are some differences in each individual perception of what is little harm and what isn't."

He is not judging Dan. He doesn't understand how is it convenient to be so extreme in his pacifism, but he understands the logistic part and as long as that works he is okay with it. There are three rules to get along with Price: make sense, let him have fun, and accept that nothing is his fault ever. It's not that hard, really.

"I would not want you to get triggered now that you are getting healthy."

Which is only half a lie! A part of him genuinely, lovingly, means it.

"How I feel about it ain't all that relevant." It doesn't bring back the dead. Guilt is a useless emotion once its been mined for education. Once one's learned everything they can from a lesson, to continue to dwell is counterproductive.

He still feels sad about it, which is different. It feels distinct, and it feels like something Price wouldn't understand and would see as a weakness to exploit, so Dan doesn't want to share it.

He raises his eyebrows. "Triggered? I ain't sure what you mean by that."

"You have worked hard to get to your new normal." he knows that it would probably be incorrect to call it balance "Reopening a wound could needlessly compromise it."

Price doesn't understand guilt either, it's an extremely useless emotion to him, but anyone who ever claimed to have morals (everyone) has tried to force it on him, so it confuses him why Dan would move past it. It seems odd to think that he can, but Dan is very much not normal as well.

As for himself, Price can be hard on himself and beat himself up, and he has been doing it a lot ever since he got locked up, but certainly it isn't out of guilt. When he feels he's doing something wrong, by 'wrong' he always means incorrectly. Which is why he can't get over Project Freelancer exploding in his face so bad when he did everything perfectly.

"I am proud of you for that...Although that doesn't mean much."

Dan being healthier is one more reason he's better off without him. Healthy people don't need him, toxic ones do, and that's what made his fake dynamics and relationships thrive. The passive listening and the scheming and shapeshifting that came with that.

"I ain't about to go on a bender just because the group might could show authoritarian tendencies." Well, Dan hopes he isn't, but after the leadership debate at Wilderlands his drinking did tick upwards for several weeks to the point where Bunny became concerned. Dan realizes he may have a higher estimation of his ability to self-regulate than he actually does. "Besides, we're on the Guardians turf, and they usually got ideals that align more with mine."

Not totally. Dan knows he's at the extreme end of the spectrum, and even with people closer to his position, it's lonely. It makes him miss his family, the people who positioned him there and then, it feels like, left him in a world alone.

He gives Concrete Blonde a treat as she nickers. "I mean, I appreciate the support, but I don't reckon I done much. I just got better support around me. It's easier to stay above water when I got a roof over my head and health insurance and a bed to sleep in."

By contrast, Dan feels like he's got more bandwidth for Price now that they aren't running for their lives in the Wilderlands or under metaphorical chains with the Jorg, or now that he isn't living in a car selling drugs, turning tricks and bouncing between minimum wage jobs to survive.

"I ain't changed, my circumstances have."

Price nods.

"Circumstances shape people...For better or worse."

He thinks about Aziraphale's offer to take him in, let him stay at his book shop. It would be nice, but who knows. There are so many things that worry him that don't quite make sense. If Price truly makes an effort to use his skills for good, he can deal with other people's emotions, but not with his own. He's been taught that those are a different matter.

"Perhaps this time around it will be different from the Rig and the Wilderlands." he knows he's saying it to convince himself but there is a possibility of it being true "I get enjoy nature once again and I have my lasers back."

Price aims a white laser through his hand. The scan is painless.

"Unfortunately I cannot use this on my own head, I am going to have to request external help for that, but all in all I think it is good to have this tool back. Do you hurt anywhere? I can do a quick check if you want to."

He understands if Dan doesn't trust him to do him a check up, but he figures it's valuable to offer.

Dan isn't thrilled Price has his lasers back, but he tries to temper his concern with the possibility that the lasers will give Price a sense of control and that that will satisfy some of Price's more antisocial tendencies.

Since he's on the other side of Concrete Blonde from Price, he puts a foot up on the stables stepstool and squints over her back to give Price a perplexed look. "Sure, if you want to do a check on me I could probably might use it, but- what do you mean, can't use it on your own head?"

"Well, I would need a mirror to do that. And I would not be able to look as freely, and especially not from all angles, but aside from that I can scan everything organic."

Price hesitates a bit before moving a few steps and aligning with Dan to scan him.

"The laser is painless. It might tickle, at most."

He then takes his time to scan Dan. It doesn't really show on his face, but what he sees doesn't exactly add up, makes him wonder how is the man not falling apart.

"...We might want to speak to the Elves and ask what do they have available."

Is the most civilized way he can put this. He suspects Dan isn't exactly big on undergoing medical treatment.

Edited 2023-10-30 07:23 (UTC)

"No, I mean, I get the logistics, but you having headaches or something?" Dan's concerned, much more concerned about the hint that something's going on with Price than he is about Price's prognosis for him.

He holds still as he's scanned. As the light moves through each part of him, he finds himself thinking of his head, his neck, his back, his stomach, on down, that hurts too. He isn't surprised to always feel a little under the weather. He's been abusing drugs since he was a young man, alcohol and cigarettes even longer, and sleeping curled up in a car or on the ground for years has slowly eroded the integrity of his spine and hips, and they say stress is hard on the body. Dan thinks so. Dan thinks he hasn't been able to breathe deep enough to fill his lungs or relax enough to unclench the muscles in his jaw for decades. His liver and stomach lining are inflamed; his kidneys have an infection; his lungs are charred and pockmarked. He's had a hangover for so long he doesn't remember if it's possible to feel any other way.

"I ain't dying, am I?" He laughs. He doesn't feel like he's dying, but he somehow feels like if he were sick, it wouldn't actually be him dying. It'd be someone else wearing his face and he'd just be watching as an impartial witness. It would be inconvenient to be sick, cruel to die a slow and miserable death instead of something quick and painless, but Dan doesn't think it'll happen to him.

"Well..."

How to put this? Because there is a lot going on. You know it's bad when the doctor doesn't know where to start giving you the news.

"The good news is that with some work, all the issues have room to improve."

...Except for the lungs that surely can't recover if Dan doesn't stop smoking, but let's do one thing at a time.

"And also you do not have cancer." how cute of him to look at the bright side "However, the bad news is that most of your internal organs and your spine seem to be slowly deteriorating."

Heh.

"We should speak to the Elves about what kind of treatment is available, if that is alright for you. Perhaps you should discuss this with Bunny as well."

He eludes the question about himself. It's not that he's hiding it from Dan - how could he? Dan literally was there when Rowena gave him brain damage, but he figures that raising concern would be unnecessary at this point.

"Alright, great," Dan says, sounding encouraged but really just aware that he won't be putting any effort into improving his health. Dan truly does feel like just getting through the day takes almost all his reserves; conducting himself with the kindness, gentleness and patience his principles demand take up most of the remains, and his ability to put forth the hard work of improving himself for his own sake feels like the lowest priority he could have.

"That's good. I'd rather not could have cancer. Let me guess: quit drinking, quit smoking, quit cocaine, quit having fun?" He laughs again, then sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. "Ain't slowly deteriorating just the steady march of time?"

He notices that Price dodged the personal question. He considers it, thinking back on Price's behavior through Wilderlands, through the last few weeks, and he thinks about how he'll ask about it when the moment presents itself again.

"You guessed right, but I would not inflict that on you." Price smiles in a constricted way, like he's holding back a chuckle "I will not tell you to stop having fun."

Price is an enabler first and health professional second. Which is how he earned his license not being quite conceeded through legal means and a couple restraining orders. Allegedly.

"While it would be wiser to prevent physical decline, it's good that you don't panic about it. I know I do, sometimes."

"Not to be morbid, but I doubt I'll live long enough for a slow decline to be a problem." Which isn't really true; it's not that Dan thinks he'll die, but that he simply can't envision a future existing. It's like there's a little voice in the back of his head, one that pipes up, deafeningly, whenever he considers how long he might live, that goes: you're supposed to be dead already. Maybe you already are. "My lifestyle runs a little hard."

Even now, married and stable, his day job is running into squabbles with monsters and spirits and fighting evil, and his hobbies include recreational poison.

"Anything I can fix with over-the-counter shit?" He runs his thumb over his chewed knuckles. "You been panicking lately?"

Ah, not thinking about the future. Price has the same problem, for different reasons. He knows for a fact that his life is over, or at least was supposed to be over in prison. It's not that restarting is not feasible in terms of logistics, but be it because he's getting old, Price isn't sure he can sustain lying about being a good person to make friends and get some love. He knows better than to try something like that, at this point.

"I am sure the inflammation can be contained with some medicine."

He hesitates before answering.

"A little bit, perhaps. I did regain some strength, and am familiar enough with the rehabilitation exercises to practise on my own...But it was frightening in the first period."

"Ibuprofen and tylenol?"

Dan doesn't know anything about treating inflammation, and he's not even sure if Price is talking about his organs or his joints or any other part of his body. His experience with medicine is field medicine, trauma, open wounds, so on, and stopping the bleeding, stitching people up and disinfecting the injuries. He doesn't know anything about chronic ailments or longterm care.

"Anyway, don't tell Bunny none that there's anything wrong with me. He wants me to live to a ripe old age of a hundred and ten."

It's one of their great sources of disagreement, Bunny's desire to keep Dan as long as possible, Dan's inability to work towards that goal. Almost as punctuation, Dan takes a drink from his flask and sets the horse brush down.

"What happened? When was this?" Dan suspects now that he knows what happened, and he feels embarrassed and alarmed that he didn't pick up on it until it was laid out for him like this. All along, he's been assuming Price's erratic behavior was innate, the same way as when Price threatened to jump off the Rig or accused Dan of pressuring him into intimacy just to throw Dan off-guard.

"That's alright, I am probably not the best person to discuss the matter with him either way."

Is Price's behaviour innately erratic? Now, that's a juicy question, isn't it? He knows how to be cautious, how to hold back, he even does it well, but something inside of him just itches to be reckless. He needs to break things and see what happens. There are healthier ways to satisfy his neverending curiosity, and he doesn't mind them, but they don't really scratch that itch...But something did happen.

"You were there. When that woman cast that spell on me, I...I'm not sure how, but it had severe repercussions. I have been having symptoms of brain damage since then."

"I didn't realize."

Most people bounced back from magic done to them in the Wilderlands in a way that Dan hadn't seen in the world he comes from - but he suddenly feels a swell of kinship with Price and the idea that they were both, at some point, cursed, and both had their brains changed permanently in the aftermath. Dan's post-traumatic symptoms, Price's brain damage.

"I'm sorry. Has it gotten any better since then?"

"It appears so. The journey to recovery is at the very least two years long, five to ten in more severe cases. I believe I got lucky, my language was not affected at all."

Which is probably the most important thing of all. It's his eloquence and ability to negotiate and manipulate that allow him to translate whatever he is to everyone's idea of human being.

"Then again," he gestures emptily, somewhat bashfully "the way I am has always come with some brain damage."

He says it to rationalize, to sneak through the back door. If the Director valued him, well almost valued him before, then there is a possibility that he still will even if the type of brain damage is different...Right?

"And I suppose that's...Okay."

It's not.

"...All factors and circumstances considered."

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