nightlogs | Will these two finally manage to have THAT conversation?

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Will these two finally manage to have THAT conversation?

Who: Aiden Price, Dan Sagittarius
What: Price brings Concrete Blonde to Dan and they have a heartfelt discussion about imprisonment
Where: Outdoors
When: After Branch
Warnings/Notes: Prison related topics, Typical Dan related warnings, typical Price related warnings, overall toxic behaviours

Price was going for a walk on his own, figuring that alone meant staying out of trouble - which is not a smart deduction in an unknown place, but nobody tell him, he's just starting to think that maybe the brain damage didn't make him completely useless -, and he happens to run into a pleasant surprise: Concrete Blonde.

He likes to spend time with her, feeding her, and cuddling her. He was about to give her a bath but he remembers reading on the subject while in the Wilderlands library and concludes that it's not the case to do so, especially in these cold temperatures. See? He does go out of his way to ~~serve~~ help, it happens very often! Absolutely appalling that nobody will listen to reason when he calmly - accommodatingly, even! - explains that nothing is his fault ever.

That's why he decided to start refraining from conversations as much as he can. It does pain him because, for all those accusations of being 'antisocial', he really likes people in his own way. Dan, however? He is not like most people. There's something deeply wrong about whatever their friendship is, and Price can't put his finger on it. He feels safest when he avoids him, and yet he needs him. There are so many thoughts and feelings that he has on the matter, but he doesn't feel like being gaslighted about them so, he tells himself, he'll just bring the horse back and then leave Dan alone to his devices.

"I found your horse."

Technically it's their horse, but better not to claim her to make this less difficult. He won't say anything more than what is strictly needed.

"I figured you would want her back."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I ramble all the time."

Dan doesn't approach Price when Price is visibly antsy like this, but he does wish the context between them allowed for him to feel comfortable placing a hand on Price's shoulder, wrist, some kind of friendly touch. Instead, he keeps his voice as reassuring and even as possible, even as his passion at the topic animates his facial expressions.

"No shit. Don't need a study to show that throwing someone in a concrete box don't do wonders for their mental health. Every time I been, I've come out and can't couldn't sleep none for days, even if they ain't thrown me in solitary that time." Arrests and incarceration set off Dan's jumpiness; solitary sets off his depression. "Everything about my life's worse when I get out of jail than it was going in."

Arrests themselves are terrifying, and usually end with all Dan's belongings confiscated, leaving him to steal and con to get his needs met. Going through withdrawal in jail usually means he binges when he's back out to offset that hypervigilance and insomnia. And then he has yet another mark on his record following him.

Price gulps and crosses his arms in a bit of a self hugging gesture, to stabilize. It's not that the anxiety or the sadness aren't real, but they are more of a gateway to him, a gateway to that suppressed rage that even after the most violent and heinous crimes is still not expressed. It's just not how it works, processing that, and it's so odd how his positive traits seem to be genuine but also coincide so much with his near constant fawn response to everything once the fighting inevitably backfires. As soon as those emotions get big enough, poof, they disappear and get converted into something that is too dangerous to get out, for everyone.

No, no, he should focus. It doesn't matter that this subjects triggers him. It triggers Dan, and that's what's important, getting to know more about the dangerous individual in order to tailor safety measures around this information. And yes, safety measures include a little margin for mischief where Price can just hurt him if he feels cuddly or angry or bored.

"I can definitely believe that. Incarceration is just...Detrimental in too many ways."

He's not sure whether he should just let Dan talk, which would be the smarter solution, or whether he should share his own experience as well. See, Dan is the only one who would understand, but being understood by an empath - actually understood is something so foreign to Price that he can only fathom it by piecing together past horrible instances of getting close to others and them ending, well, horribly, and distrusting it accordingly.

"I was being transferred, but...I didn't really go in and out of it."

Which is impressive in its own way, he has gotten away with unspeakable crimes for a very long time.

"Also, while Agent Carolina said that the ship crashed, I was meant to die in prison anyway."

He holds back a grimace. It sounds so heavy when he says it out loud!

"...So I cannot relate to that part." he deflects, because of course he does.

"Well, you know how I feel about making someone a lifer. I think it's one of the cruelest and most counterproductive things you can could do to a person."

Dan knows that Price is feeling some tumult, and wants to respect that by giving him his space, so he moves to the other side of Concrete Blonde to keep brushing her. It's nice, he thinks, to have the horse to bond them together. It's nice to have something Price can care for that Dan doesn't anticipate Price will kill in a fit of angst.

"I was mostly going in and out for short stints, you know, drunk tank, pre-trial or probation violation kind of stuff. I never got the feeling of my life being over like some folks who got longer sentences did." Because Dan may long for death, but the last thing he wants is years and years of waiting for it in a cage. He doesn't prescribe any emotion to Price. If Price wants to tell him how it felt to be a lifer for him, he will.

"It's...A waste of resources."

Price almost argues as if Dan needs to be convinced. He's snappy, Dan's word about the feeling of life being over hit a bit too much and he has to contain himself. If he freaks out, he will alienate the only person who can understand his perspective, and if he runs away from this interaction...Well, he can't be sure that it's going to proceed well once he resumes. Baby steps, do it scared, and all that empirical advice.

"Incarceration is funded with taxpayers' money, after all, and while it is a common strategy to punish the entire group for the actions of a single person in many contexts including the military environment in which I have worked, it is not an effective deterrent in this case."

He looks away.

"Death penalty happens to be more expensive than life sentence, but the end result is not too different. So I wouldn't say there is a point, it is counterproductive."

Inevitably, however, Price thinks about what he said to Sharkface on the Tartarus. He told him that he wanted his life back, and that he would have killed in order to achieve that. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. What life would he even take back? He has nothing left. That's the real problem: his life really was over, and now that he is out to live through these temporary experiences that make no sense, what is he supposed to do? Think that now he has a life again, that he can have friends and a family and be happy? He's not an idiot nor a child, so no, he will never believe that.

"But it's important that I focus on the bright side, for when I go back in," he probably shouldn't add the next part "and die."

"You don't have to go back in."

The last time Dan tried to broach this subject with Price, Price lashed out and shoved him into a river. Dan isn't sure how helpful it'll be for him to keep floating out his own hope for Price as a possibility, but he thinks maybe if he avoids the questions of ethics and self-esteem and instead just emphasizes the logistics...

"There are plenty of universes around here you could pocket yourself away in. I might could help, you know, get you a new identity, a fresh start." He doesn't want to just let Price run loose on a world, but once this business with Kuk is settled and the Guardians are about, maybe Price could have a little covert supernatural supervision without the limitations of a cage.

Price is not sure what it is that this is triggering, because it plays out fast, immediately. Some sort of denial that makes him immediately shoot down the offer.

"These worlds are very unstable, and we shift suddenly with no clear criteria. I doubt it would be wise to settle down anywhere, knowing that."

Home is just not a possibility. He barely has the concept of it in his brain by now. Does it even exist, the perfect world for him? Probably not. The perfect world for him was a reality in the past and it's dead now.

"Besides, I am less likely to meet my agents if I go back, and that is what they would want."

Them being dead because of his schemes might be a part of why, yes.

"Better than settling in a prison cell," Dan says, his voice even softer than it normally is. Somehow, Price keeps finding deeper cracks in Dan's heart to pry it open. Every incidence of self-defeat or bad behavior just makes Dan sadder for the direction Price's life took starting in his youth. Most days, when Dan sees Price, he doesn't see the adult man in front of him but the youth out in the cold, begging his case manager for help.

He doesn't expect Price's agents want anything to do with him, based on their experiences on the Rig.

"It just don't sit right with me to think of anyone spending their life caged up. It's a waste." Waste of money, space. Potential. "I know that makes me a bit of a radical."

"Well, we would have to get out of here first." Price deflects "And then who knows what else..."

The old wounds within him are activated, of course they are, but looking back to think about them? It's just too much. If you ask him, anything before Project Freelancer doesn't exist, has never existed. It's not his fault that his job cured everything and he falls apart without it.

"Besides, I don't want the Director to see me like this." he mumbles.

It probably sounds backwards to Dan, but if the Director thought he was worth taking along none of this would have happened. Price gets defensive immediately, his whole body contracts.

"Yes, I am aware you don't like me talking about him..."

Dan shrugs. "I didn't say nothing."

He isn't exactly going to encourage Price to talk about the Director, but he's come to understand that it's a topic Price will keep returning to whether or not Dan thinks it's a good use of Price's energy. He just figures he'll follow Elle's suggestion, refusing to give Price the desired reaction until maybe Price stops soliciting it.

He isn't here to enable Price's return, over and over, to what was obviously an abusive situation - he also isn't here to give advice, now that Price has so thoroughly rebuffed it. He's here, at most, to listen, and even that doesn't seem to be received well.

That's it? Well, now Price is definitely uncomfortable.
He doesn't understand why is it wrong when he talks about the people he loves when everyone else can do it freely. Why they all want him to be 'pro-social' and then he's not allowed to love the Director and his agents in the only way he can. He shouldn't be alone and he should heal, but only in the way that makes other people comfortable. It's the same old story, like with the case worker. That would explain why Dan sees that younger self shine through his adult face.

"Well, then. What would you do if he was here? Would you bother to understand him or would you take him away from me just because I never act good enough for you?"

Would you save me from him? is a question that pops in Price's mind, but not only he doesn't voice it, he shakes his head to chase it away like an intrusive thought. The Director has not abused him, you know! Unless you want to blame him for stuff, then it was all the Director's doing and Price was merely forced to go along with the plan with threats and probable violence.

Do you really think Price does not fantasize about the Director being here and then giving himself a black eye and hinting that the Director did it? Of course he would still keep defending him, obviously, but the rest of the group would be so alarmed, and maybe the Director would understand to value Price more and they could be together forever doing their experiments. This would be forgotten as just a silly prank, except it isn't because the Director should get his just desserts, but if he learns his lesson and never leaves Price to die again then everything is going to be alright, okay? How is this not the healthiest compromise for them to be together? Basically, he's saving that question for later but it's not at all reflective of their relationship. Besides, it wouldn't nearly come off as aggressive as he's trying to sound.

See, the thing about Price is that while he has felt cornered a lot in the Wilderlands, being actively aggressive is something that he does, well, when he feels cornered. He is not good at it, and yet it's easy. He wasn't doing or saying anything wrong, he simply mentioned a person that is important in his life, but it was still seen as acting out (he knows Dan thinks it's wrong, he feels it). So he figures that if he actually acts out at least he's being punished and judged for a reason.

His tone betrays him, though, along with the fact that he already genuinely expressed that he doesn't want to fight, but he keeps trying and failing to be aggressive. The truth is that he doesn't know how to behave if the Director were to show up, he is scared of how he might react, and wants to know what he should do, but it still doesn't mean that he should renounce to him, it's not fair. Dan is not over his family, he is allowed to think about them, and there is nothing wrong with it, so why is this different?

"He is not the monster the agents say he is."

"I would try to understand him. I don't believe in that kind of monster."

Dan could very well say he doesn't believe in monsters, but his line of work draws him into contact with plenty of people who are monsters by species, hellcats and faun and werewolves and the like. But he doesn't believe one can become a monster through action. Monster implies both a lack of autonomy and an irredeemability; monsters can't improve upon their nature, can't be reasoned with, can't do anything but frighten and terrorize.

People aren't monsters, not to Dan. So it hurts him that Price doesn't think he'd give the Director the same grace he gives everyone. He'd have thought Price had seen enough of him to understand that about Dan.

"If he do show up, you'll see. If not, it's a moot point." He pets Concrete Blonde and starts to check her mouth for any sores from her bridle, doing all the usual maintenance and care on a horse.

The fact that Price phrased his question like a pissed off kid that wants his favourite toy back likely did not go past Dan, and that's what makes his dynamic with the Director so much more layered and confusing.

"He's...He's the best." present tense as if he's not dead - out of sight, out of mind "I did well under his guidance."

He did! He really did! He was rigorous and disciplined and never made mistakes, not the mess that Dan knows.

"And it's good that he never saw the inside of a cell. He is too sensitive to withstand that treatment."

Price says it more to convince himself. If they were both imprisoned, the Director would have realized his mistakes and reward the loyalty and efficiency, he's sure of it. Life would have been more bearable. The truth however is that the Director left him behind and died without ever thinking of him again, because had always been too self absorbed to do so.

"I believe you." Dan believes Price did 'well' under the Director's guidance, in that Price felt valued and had a structure to adhere to and was, for whatever it was worth, happier in that situation than in the disorienting and stifling and frustrating social milieus they've found themselves in. He doesn't believe that the Director is the best but he also knows better than to get into that pointless argument.

"Lots of folks are. Like I said. I don't reckon incarceration improves behavior for many." He looks at Concrete Blonde and thinks of how often he has to run her to keep her from getting restless, how an hour a day outside a cell to play basketball and run around the cellblock isn't enough to keep even the most sluggardly humans from going stir-crazy. "It's too traumatic."

Price is not comfortable admitting that he's traumatized. For some reason, he's lost the right to claim it. Not that he feels that way, but the rules to survival say so. He limits himself to nodding, then sighs.

"I likely would not have been able to see him, either way."

His tone is no longer defensive. He's back to the standard lack of inflection, but it's obvious that he feels defeated because he's trying to rationalize the fact that he was alone when he was always by the Director's side. He doesn't understand: what did he do wrong for the Director not to value him enough to keep him around? He thought they were a good team. What happened? How come he couldn't trick the Director into caring about him? He was so precise and careful, he would have noticed if he made mistakes...

"He would have hurt himself in solitary confinement."

Which is what ended up happening anyway, given the Director took his own life.

"Maybe he would have might. Ain't like we'll ever know for sure, and thank goodness for that small mercy." Dan doesn't have any fondness for the Director, but he's happy any time he doesn't have to see someone in a jail cell, especially in solitary. "Last time I was in solitary I bit my hands so bad I saw bone."

It was unpleasant enough that it put Dan off his tic of chewing his fingers and knuckles for a few months, at least, but he always gravitates back towards it. When he can't smoke, can't do drugs, can't drink, can't run into the line of fire, all that anxiety goes straight to his scarred, bruised knuckles.

"For what it's worth, I don't reckon anyone's keen on starting up any prisons around here. At least for now we don't got to worry about it."

Oh, Price knows for sure. He has assisted the Director in...Questionable practices, already. He knows what the man is about, so no small mercy for him. Then again, here is an occasion to change topic, and he's grateful for it because he is feeling judged.

He side eyes Dan. Was it really that wrong to mention the Director? Why? Is the problem that one is allowed to only talk about the people that love them back? Then Price can't talk about anyone. Well, good to know. He won't mention the Director anymore. If Dan wants to actually understand how he feels he'll read between the lines, otherwise he won't and they will both move on.

And the mention about what Dan himself did in solitary confinement...Is it bait? Does Dan actually want to open up or is it just a way to make Price hurt him and then get away with orchestrating it because he is the good guy?

At least the Director was more straightforward about using Price as a tool of self harm. He never treated him like a friend or like a human being, but Dan did, and that's why it hurts. Does it even occur to Dan how disrespectful that is? Of course not, not to a full extent.

...But then if Price doesn't show compassion, or sympathy, or any acceptable response then he can be accused of not wanting to listen, even if when he does listen it's seen as a manipulation. Looks like he's cornered again, but no, he can't snap, he just has to think of something neutral to say. Change the subject smoothly, change the subject smoothly.

"I am glad for that. Branch seemed...Traumatized, and seeing that kind of practice applied to our fellow men would definitely not fill him with confidence."

Price has honestly only ever had a good time with non-humans so far: Aziraphale, Filbo, even Holly has had a pleasant conversation with him. Jennifer and Bunny are exceptions that confirm this rule. As for Dan...He feels like whatever he does, he is going to get hurt (and also get Dan hurt). Maybe Dan keeps him like a pet because he knows he's desperate for...Well, silly things. Trivial things that his best self, The Counselor Of Project Freelancer ™, would not have bothered looking for.

Dan's face doesn't betray anything about the Director. He isn't trying to rebuke Price. He isn't trying to reject anything Price is saying, doesn't want to fight, doesn't want to disagree - doesn't even particularly want to pass judgment on this man he only knows from Price's fawning stories and from a snippet of a memory.

He just doesn't want to keep feeding into it. If a non-response is all the same as a rejection, Dan can't help that.

"I agree. I reckon that dividing people up by good folks and bad folks is a bad idea in a pressure cooker like this." It isn't quite the same as being bound to each other in terms of location like the Wilderlands, but they do all still need to work together.

"What if a mission requires to take someone and keep them captive in order to get information? I would not exclude the possibility of that being a chosen course of action. Are you going to be alright if that happens?"

Price will be okay, of course, he tortures people and has them killed like it's nothing, but Dan is not like that, and is his friend. They are on the topic and Price likes listening, so he figures this would be an important question to ask.

"That's not my favorite way to get information, but if it were necessary-" Dan thinks that that word does a lot of the heavy lifting here. Dan doesn't think it would be necessary in almost any circumstance. He would argue with the others if they were to take a hostage, but could be persuaded if there were a very, very good reason.

"-if it's necessary, it's necessary. And I'll be alright. You do know I've killed people, right?" Dan isn't beyond last resorts.

"I know that you feel bad about it."

Come on now, Dan, you know what Price means.

"I am sure that we all agree that minimizing harm is the smartest way to proceed, but there are some differences in each individual perception of what is little harm and what isn't."

He is not judging Dan. He doesn't understand how is it convenient to be so extreme in his pacifism, but he understands the logistic part and as long as that works he is okay with it. There are three rules to get along with Price: make sense, let him have fun, and accept that nothing is his fault ever. It's not that hard, really.

"I would not want you to get triggered now that you are getting healthy."

Which is only half a lie! A part of him genuinely, lovingly, means it.

"How I feel about it ain't all that relevant." It doesn't bring back the dead. Guilt is a useless emotion once its been mined for education. Once one's learned everything they can from a lesson, to continue to dwell is counterproductive.

He still feels sad about it, which is different. It feels distinct, and it feels like something Price wouldn't understand and would see as a weakness to exploit, so Dan doesn't want to share it.

He raises his eyebrows. "Triggered? I ain't sure what you mean by that."

"You have worked hard to get to your new normal." he knows that it would probably be incorrect to call it balance "Reopening a wound could needlessly compromise it."

Price doesn't understand guilt either, it's an extremely useless emotion to him, but anyone who ever claimed to have morals (everyone) has tried to force it on him, so it confuses him why Dan would move past it. It seems odd to think that he can, but Dan is very much not normal as well.

As for himself, Price can be hard on himself and beat himself up, and he has been doing it a lot ever since he got locked up, but certainly it isn't out of guilt. When he feels he's doing something wrong, by 'wrong' he always means incorrectly. Which is why he can't get over Project Freelancer exploding in his face so bad when he did everything perfectly.

"I am proud of you for that...Although that doesn't mean much."

Dan being healthier is one more reason he's better off without him. Healthy people don't need him, toxic ones do, and that's what made his fake dynamics and relationships thrive. The passive listening and the scheming and shapeshifting that came with that.

"I ain't about to go on a bender just because the group might could show authoritarian tendencies." Well, Dan hopes he isn't, but after the leadership debate at Wilderlands his drinking did tick upwards for several weeks to the point where Bunny became concerned. Dan realizes he may have a higher estimation of his ability to self-regulate than he actually does. "Besides, we're on the Guardians turf, and they usually got ideals that align more with mine."

Not totally. Dan knows he's at the extreme end of the spectrum, and even with people closer to his position, it's lonely. It makes him miss his family, the people who positioned him there and then, it feels like, left him in a world alone.

He gives Concrete Blonde a treat as she nickers. "I mean, I appreciate the support, but I don't reckon I done much. I just got better support around me. It's easier to stay above water when I got a roof over my head and health insurance and a bed to sleep in."

By contrast, Dan feels like he's got more bandwidth for Price now that they aren't running for their lives in the Wilderlands or under metaphorical chains with the Jorg, or now that he isn't living in a car selling drugs, turning tricks and bouncing between minimum wage jobs to survive.

"I ain't changed, my circumstances have."

Price nods.

"Circumstances shape people...For better or worse."

He thinks about Aziraphale's offer to take him in, let him stay at his book shop. It would be nice, but who knows. There are so many things that worry him that don't quite make sense. If Price truly makes an effort to use his skills for good, he can deal with other people's emotions, but not with his own. He's been taught that those are a different matter.

"Perhaps this time around it will be different from the Rig and the Wilderlands." he knows he's saying it to convince himself but there is a possibility of it being true "I get enjoy nature once again and I have my lasers back."

Price aims a white laser through his hand. The scan is painless.

"Unfortunately I cannot use this on my own head, I am going to have to request external help for that, but all in all I think it is good to have this tool back. Do you hurt anywhere? I can do a quick check if you want to."

He understands if Dan doesn't trust him to do him a check up, but he figures it's valuable to offer.

Dan isn't thrilled Price has his lasers back, but he tries to temper his concern with the possibility that the lasers will give Price a sense of control and that that will satisfy some of Price's more antisocial tendencies.

Since he's on the other side of Concrete Blonde from Price, he puts a foot up on the stables stepstool and squints over her back to give Price a perplexed look. "Sure, if you want to do a check on me I could probably might use it, but- what do you mean, can't use it on your own head?"

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cw for uhhhhh "crazy ex girlfriend" stereotype thoughts?

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